right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
