May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
