I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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