I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
