I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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