Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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