I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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