I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
