Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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