Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
