I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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