How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
