the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
