He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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