dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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