Non-Jews are for practice
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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