I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
