recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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