I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
