If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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