Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
