It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
