I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
