We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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