Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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