So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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