I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
