my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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