community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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