I'm passing your future prison.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
