How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
