I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
