I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
