I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We are two peas in an std pod
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
