We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
