office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
