Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
