I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
