I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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