For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
