i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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