Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
