how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
