between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
