I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's like iHOP with fire
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
