He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
