I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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