dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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