I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
