went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
