Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
