I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
