My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
